buy the time …

I don’t wan’a grow up

Posted on: March 2, 2010

Looking for a little inspiration.

Many young people with a direction for bigger and better believing in a world without limitations, head to the sweetest land of opportunity, The Big Apple.  All of a sudden after struggling to actualize your dreams or fight against a cascade of cookie cutter drone like jobs.   You wake up 7 years later realizing you turn twenty-nine in fourteen days, living in Harlem’s Sugar Hill (most known at the moment for the guy who got shot outside your stoop because of an argument at a local deli) praying that your temp agency will call with some nice entry-level job where their internet security hasn’t yet cut off FB. I am in such a position. 

There are so many things I was told I was destined for and hope I might still be, but there is this gnawing anguish of heightening self-disappointment that is both comical and so self-pitying that at times I want to crawl up in a sphere and dissolve like a little Lush bath ball.  That very act however is just so self-pitying that I couldn’t empathize with myself. 

You may have dreamt that by this time you would be at your mansion by the pool with Oompa-Loompas serving Firefly ice-tea out of the Stanley Cup (this might just be me). Jostled from reverie into reality, realize we can’t afford the life we dreamt, in fact the life we dreamt never involved paying student loans, staying with a job for health insurance, finding out 401K isn’t the arch nemesis of 007. 

We realize that most of us will never achieve that dream, so we start deciding what we can afford to dream about. We had these grandiose life markers in our teens and college years that dictated “by the time I” turn thirty, which was so-so-so old when we pounded down red cup after red cup of mystery mix.  Our accomplishments: having that perfect someone, indulging in an amazing million dollar career, owning a townhouse on the Upper West Side, living very comfortably. As I stare down the barrel of 29 with 30 a hair trigger away, I realize that sadly, foolishly, or valiantly, I haven’t given up my dream. 

So how do I break from the feeling that I need to know what I’m doing for the rest of my life, erase this dread of disappointing my loved ones, or stop staring at the wall wondering if that spot is a critter or simply a spot gone unnoticed (that moves on occasion)…I give it unto you. I will have you hold me accountable for my accomplishments or lack there of, by simply putting out…my thoughts, not my body (hopefully it won’t come to that). Hopefully you will find yourself laughing, understanding or sharing in my struggle because you are getting ready or know what it’s like to turn twenty-nine in fourteen days. 

This past week I yelled at a guy while wearing nothing but my bathrobe and anger as he unjustly almost shut off my power, frightened a fellow brethren of the Pacific (who TimeWarner was kind enough to outsource a job to) because of the $26 monthly charge for premium channels that the company “accidentally” put on my bill, and scolded my dad for not drinking enough water, the straw I grasped when I learned he was unusually sick and going to the hospital for tests. 

As the clock has turned pass midnight, I turn twenty-nine in now less than fourteen days.  Let the good times begin…

17 Responses to "I don’t wan’a grow up"

I hear ya babe! Wow – did you just look into my brain to come up with some of this content? This is something I definitely relate to. Looking forward to reading more posts!

It is always nice to know I’m not the only one! Always know – You could live here! At least we would be struggling together with an occasional salsa dance to relieve the stress and fears.


Love your first entry as it speaks to the silent and not-so silent fears so many of us are dealing with. Your way with manipulating words about this tender subject somehow makes it seem more manageable or less scary. Especially after dealing with the manifestations of my fears in dreams containing massive furry teddy bears with sharp teeth and claws. (Yeah, I don’t know either….)

By just putting your fingers to the keyboard to write this blog you’re keeping the vitals of your dream alive by sharing your unique perspective with well, the world!

Looking forward to seeing what’s next!!

Wait you can afford LUSH bath balls? I think you may be living my dream. As a fellow 29 in (75 days) I feel your pain.

I laughed so hard when I saw this. Actually the only time I ever got a Lush bath ball was a gift…for my birthday. Enjoy your own, not countdown but count to 29!

I know the feeling. And, if it makes you feel any better, I didnt start actively pursuing this dream till I was 33ish…and I am looking down the barrel (as you so eloquently put it) of 40-hahaha. Keep dreaming, Marisa, and definately keep writing…love this blog. Miss you.


I have always loved that about you Benedict! Thank you for dreaming the dream while always awake.

It’s very easy to be hard on yourself (I know alllll too well). By this time I thought I would have married a multi-millionaire (in addition to being one myself) and spend my days swimming in one of my many pools… that is, when I wasn’t traveling around on my private jet, obviously. Instead my job sucks, my loans will never go away and I won’t go out in public in a bathing suit. Ever.

But, I think you are doing better than you’re giving yourself credit for and I think sometimes making revisions to our dreams is not such a bad thing and can lead to better things than we imagined. So hang in there, old timer. 😉

It’s funny there was a time in my life, when I was a much younger lady…5 years ago, I was dating a well established man who was ready to provide everything for me. He wasn’t a millionaire (he may be now) but I knew that I didn’t want someone to simply hand life to me. You are right about excepting revisions or enhancements, I never saw “blogging” as something that would be so freeing but here I am…maybe one day you can find that same freedom on a beach in a bathing suit!

gurl, 30 is WAY better than 29. It’s the same dreams, just under a different color/style lamp shade. Come celebrate with me next weekend. Keep it up lady.

I totally feel you! And I love your first post! Life is filled with amazing and not so amazing moments, and its so awesome that you will be documenting all of it. I was just pondering the other day where the time has gone and how turning “29” this year is so so sooo close to 30.
I was watching the movie “the Brothers” the other day, young sophisticated, educated and well into their career comedy. When Morris Chesnut (who plays a doctor) blows out his b-day candles, and it says “29” on his cake, I was in utter shock that I would be turning the same age this year!
I look forward to reading more, and wish to someday soon to hang out! its been oh so long! love yah sistah 🙂

Ten bucks says that Morris was 34 when he played “29”. I can’t believe I have to miss seeing your beautiful children grow. I wouldn’t mind spending time in your hood. Plus my dear you have accomplished so much being such a wonderful mother. Your kids are beautiful and you all look marvelously happy. I can’t wait for your kids to teach me how to surf!

Oliver Stone didn’t make his first big movie until he was almost 40. Michael Moore was 35. When Bill Maher was 29, he was doing stand-up and not getting much attention. Barack Obama was an unknown lawyer in Chicago, fresh out of school. I could go on and on.

I’ve also noticed that, most of the time, the people who peak too early wind up doing nothing after age 40.

The point is, everyone follows their own path. Break this down logically. Just because you aren’t where you thought you’d be right now, doesn’t mean you won’t get there eventually. This goes for everybody.

Howard, when I turned 21 my father gave me a book about accomplishments people had made at varying ages. He wrote in the card, “Success comes at any age.” Your note thankfully reminds me of that book. With that wonderful unbeatable attitude of yours, I look forward to seeing all your successes.

Okay Marisa my dear. I said that when I was 30 and that was 32 years ago… it’s best you find out for yourself… … you’re taking a journey. Some of us will be in the sidelines urging you on, some will walk with you awhile, and sometimes you might find yourself alone … and if you’re lucky you’ll find someone who will walk with you all the way – and luckier still if he’s got a car and going your way.. whatever it is, enjoy the trip.

Bring an umbrella. And wear comfortable shoes.

Life did not begin for me until I turned 29.

Embrace it all. The light for shining onto your path.
The dark for teaching you about yourself.

Happy Birthday my friend (Carl and I have been in Costa Rica for the last 3 months…. believe me, when I was 28 – I never “dreamt” I would be here NOW.

Alert the presses- The Blog is back. I enjoyed reading this because its relatable fears for anyone in their mid to late 20’s. I imagine the same can be applied to 30 somethings, 40 somethings, or anyone approaching a milestone age.

Jonathan Larson wrote a great song about turning 30 in his lesser known show which had a run at the Jane Street Theatre (before it was turned into high rises) called Tick Tick Boom. I fell in love with the show and saw it 4 times- the song is called 30/90. All about turning 30 in 1990. And sorry Jonathan, but 30/’10 has gotten even harder.

look forward to seeing what you come up with Marisa. I like the idea of keeping you accountable for your goals by blogging them. We’re all now on your ass.

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