buy the time …

Posts Tagged ‘Richard Simmons

Part 1

Seriously, who looks this good at the gym?

Losing weight, getting in shape and trying not to hate yourself or the process is a major challenge for anyone, especially when your chosen field requires being looked at and judged.  I can not afford Equinox or the fancy celebrity Reebok gym or the freaky demonic/vampire boudoir /club like gyms that the Kardashians belong to.  The alternative, going to the over packed slightly funky smelling Planet Fitness or no gym at all.  You reach a plateau with working out at gyms on the same equipment over and over so it is time for something completely different. 

I have always had to struggle with my weight.  Like many teenage girls I indulged in everything fried, I swore that the Dairy Queen Chicken Finger Country Basket was calling to me.  Eating an excess of fast food and rice with every home cooked meal earned me the label of “heavy set” or “big boned”.  I was neither – just unhealthy and fat.  Call a spade a spade, or in my case, a heart set on top of a spade.  When I got to college I started dropping a small amount of weight being away from home and running around in my new surroundings.  I was still very aware of the extra love around my midsection when I was cast in the musical Pippin my senior year.  The show was about discovering a more grown up world of sexuality and mysticism.  The costumes were ornate yet transparent and skimpy.  Half the cast was half naked.  The costume designer described my outfit as a “Valkyrie Brittany Spears”.  I wore a bra with a skirt sewn into it that barely covered my butt.  The bra was made to look like coiled up snakes and the free flowing skirt look like a bubble gum disco ball – it was actually pretty awesome.  There was a lot of skin showing and I felt like I had too much skin to show. 

I decided I was going to change how I looked and did it in the unhealthiest way possible.  I lost 30 lbs in 2 months.  Eating next to nothing and exercising a minimum of 6 hours a day while maintaining going to class.   My friends took note and tried to have an intervention, but I brushed it off saying I ate more when they weren’t around.  The concern was as real as my weight loss.  Vanity is what got me to that unhealthy place and vanity is what saved me from continuing down that unhealthy path.  Because I didn’t want straps of a modern bra to clash with my snake bra, I went to Victoria Secret for a strapless.  The sales woman approached with her measuring tape in hand floating towards me in her black smock doctor’s coat uniform, looking very official for our second base encounter.  “You’re an A cup.”  I was perplexed by the words coming out of her mouth – I had been a D since I had breasts.  I went from bug bites to boulders overnight when I hit puberty.  I was lost.  She looked confused as well, since I was wearing an ill fitting D sized bra at the time.  When I got home I finally saw what I was doing to my body.  I stared at the mirror, my deflated memories begged for a sandwich.  When I was heavy I felt my best physical feature was my love lumps, the girls, Breast 1 and Breast 2 (I actually put name tags on them my sophomore year to greet the incoming class of freshmen into the theater department).  I loved my boobs and I was starving them. I ate a sandwich. 

101 USES For an Empty Bra

Years later my breasts have bounced back, but it took me awhile to not slip back into those bad habits and the fears that consumed me.  I still often see the 40 pound heavier 18 year old when I look in the mirror, but then my boyfriend wraps his arms around me with a kind compliment about my ass and the image dissipates.  Now it is not about losing weight but feeling healthy and wanting to wear a bikini for the first time in 30 years.  To do it in a healthy way is the challenge.  The gyms are no longer my friend so I have ventured into the wonderful world of home videos.  Mainly because they focus on strength training to help you build muscle and I can look like a fool at home.  And trust me, I look like a fool.  There is nothing pretty about home video workouts.  You never look like the happy people bouncing in unison on the screen.  No one ever looked good Sweating to the Oldies.  The days of sweat band wearing Richard Simmons are over and now it is all about a sexually ambiguous meathead, Latin booty shaking, an uncomfortably flexible man, and a hot Asian aunt.

This is a 5 part series exploring the wonders of dvd workouts in all it’s glories, triumphs and the comfort of being at home when particular digestive postures really work.

  • None
  • Jessica: LMFAO.. How ever, Flavianas ass is REAL! shes from Brazil they are ALL genetically mutated that way... and Beto, he is from brazillian ac
  • mia: Hi, cracked up! flaviana does appear randomly and knows how to hog the camera....but i must say she did have her "15 minutes of fame" in Latin America