buy the time …

Part 2

Last summer, I was convinced by multiple infomercials and a picture of a friend of a friend on Facebook that P90X was the answer to my workout woes.  I purchased the 12 DVD program that promised to transform my body into a lean mean muscle machine…or at the very least get me slightly more in shape than I was.  It came with both a workout and food guide.  I read both, but honestly following a food guide for me is equal to following the stars while sailing, I get the gist, I do the best I can but I get lost at sea.  Instead I try to glean the basic information about nutrition and try to remain healthy, eating less of the pizza and more of the salad.

Trying the first DVD on the lean program was a disaster.  I couldn’t believe what I got myself into.  Core synergistics, feels like a made up word, is all about working the core.  I worked on falling on my face, realizing that my body doesn’t fully grasp the concept of a pushup and I disliked Drea and her stupid roll.  Drea, a trapeze artist there to set an example, made me feel a bit on the inferior side.  Thankfully every video has different people working out with the host, so you aren’t made to feel inferior by the same people.

The man at the helm of these workouts, Tony Horton, like most workout junkies turned guru, says he use to be out of shape. I found him likable because of his quirkiness and a genuine attitude in wanting to get me fit.  He is good looking but in an asexual kind of way.  My roommate and I would often discuss his sexual orientation.  Most women I talk to thought he was gay or maybe he is on a higher plane that doesn’t acknowledge sexual attraction.  Most guys I asked simply responded with, “Nah, well he isn’t gay.”  I haven’t asked any gay men, so maybe there is another level of insight I am missing.  With workouts like these they are developed with attraction in mind, buff sweaty bodies making you want to look as attractive as the people you see or you hope to attract the likes of the people who are making you sweat.

Advertising plus the success stories on the website are difficult to argue with, so I continued to work through my lack of coordination and balance.  The 90 minute yoga workout is worth the purchase of the entire system.  Extremely challenging and works every part of the body.  After 4 days of workouts and then a 90 minute Hindi enlightened body breakdown, you pretty much feel like a pretzel of tensions.  Then you workout for 2 more days and for the 7^th, just like God, you could rest.  It felt painful to move, to sit, to laugh.  Something was definitely happening, progress was being made.  Everyday the workout would change, every 3 weeks the schedule would very, but you were still working out 6 days a week for 12 weeks.  I made it through 8 weeks.

There was an obvious change; 10 lbs went missing in exchange for muscle.  I’ve never had anything resemble muscle on my body.  The weight loss wasn’t dramatic but because I was getting sculpted it looked like I lost 20lbs.  I went down almost 2 dress sizes but my boobs stayed the same.  I had a wedding to go to and my now disproportionate waste to “my hump” ratio made for a very happy boyfriend but was not made for retail.  After trying on every dress on 5^th Avenue from 14^th street to 42^nd, I found the perfect dress.  I finally understood the phrase, “Fit like a glove.”  My roommate thought I looked like Selma Hayek.  I felt amazing.

Then you realize how difficult it is to go back to a 6 day a week workout regiment after being off it for a few days.  Then when you start getting back into the mood to workout, you remember how hard the workout was and aren’t in a huge rush to get back into it.  Then life happens and you have to find a new place to live, you have more weddings to be apart of, your cousin gets pregnant, you hate both of your jobs, you don’t know where you’re going in life.  You forget all about Tony and his magical DVD’s that can have such a transformative power over your body and would rather see what Steven Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream could do for your crumbling mental state.

After life settled back down, I returned to Tony once again for guidance.  Then I realized I wasn’t as motivated the second time around.  Most of the motivation for the first time came from getting my money’s worth. I didn’t feel like I could “Bring It” like Tony wanted me too.  I needed something new and fresh, so I purchased the next craze in infomercial workouts, Zumba.